Chennai marital therapist reveals secrets for bonding

By Mohammed Rayaan Published on Jul 25, 2018 01:03 PM IST

Chennai: “Children should learn to face defeat and victory. Parents should always tell their wards that it is okay to loose and that they can win next time,” says Chennai-based psychologist and marital therapist, Dr Nappinnai Seran.

In an interview to News Today, Nappinnai, who has a track record of safeguarding and promoting the welfare of children and vulnerable adults, shares her expertise on relationship, offers tips for raising responsible children, reveals secrets for a great marriage and urges families to bond together.

HOW SHOULD PARENTS RAISE A RESPONSIBLE AND A POSITIVE CHILD?

I have seen many parents not saying 'No' to their children. As a result, children find it difficult to accept rejection, considering it as a failure. It is better for parents to reason out with their children. Now for example, if parents tell their child not to use their phone after 9 pm, they should tell their reason and also make sure that they don't do it themselves.

Many parents also treat their children like a commodity, always consistently forcing them to stay on top of their class and saying that only they should win. It becomes a survival of the fittest for the children. Parents should never invest their ideas or dreams into their child. Let them do what they want. Parents should let them experience new things.

It will give their children a sense of confidence. They should also give their child the freedom of speech, the freedom to express and maintain an open communication. Parents should act a cushion to their child and see to that when a child falls, they are there to lift them up. Be a good role model. Never fight in front of the children. Also, parents should never compare their kids with others. They should accept that every child is different. Parents should motivate their child and also never give them false promises.

HOW CAN PARENTS GUIDE A DEPRESSED CHILD BACK TO NORMALCY?

Parents should always look out for signs of depression; when their child often throws tantrum, suddenly becomes quiet, avoids going to school, refuses to play, stops enjoying what s/he often loved to do.

Parents should ask them what is bothering them. Parents cannot be a therapist, so it's alright to take help from therapists. Parents shouldn't be stigmatised to approach them. Also many parents think that their child might get addicted to medicines that are prescribed to curb their depression.

It is an absolute myth. Also parents shouldn't force their child to come out of depression quickly. They should let them take their own pace to recover. Parents should always have an open communication with their child.

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE SECRET FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE?

Couples should have an open communication. They should be able to communicate their feelings with ease. Most of the problems when spoken out are quickly resolved. Ego often holds every person to talk about his/her issues.

Without ego, it is easy to have an open communication. Also, a person should understand the mindset of her/his partner. But unfortunately most want their partners to adapt to their ideas or values.

For a healthy marriage, it becomes essential for couples to follow common values that are loved by both. There should be an understanding of other partner's needs. Also, trust in a relationship is very important. Many marriages break due to lack of trust. It is also important to respect each other's emotions.

HOW SHOULD DIVORCED PARENTS BOND WITH THEIR CHILDREN?

There are two factors to consider here. Now say if the divorce happened due to one of the couple's extreme bad behaviour-- may be because of alcohol or drugs-- then the parent with whom the child lives has to take the role of both a father and a mother.

Single parenting is very difficult. Single parents should bond with their children cautiously as they have to play the role of both the parents.

If the divorce happened due to the behaviour of the couples, then the children have the liberty to stay connected with both the parents.

It is also important not to involve the children with the conflict among the parents. Parents shouldn't let the child feel guilty about the divorce. Parents should talk to them about why they are choosing to divorce. The child should be given the reason why the relationship did not continue.

CAN YOU OFFER WAYS HOW FAMILIES CAN STICK TOGETHER AT TIMES OF FINANCIAL CRISIS?

There should always be financial transparency among the couples. Often when one of them loses money, they start blaming the other and the couples begin fighting. Instead during these times, families should stick together and try to figure out how the lost money could be recovered. Like I said before, having an open communication among couples and their children is extremely essential.