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CRANK'S CORNER

        There is no recorded history of Adam and Eve ever having stepped out of Eden and going on a holiday tour. The duo never had to contend with in-laws threatening to arrive home, and hence must not have found any reason to flee from their place. But ever since mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law came into the picture, mankind has been desperately going to distant lands, even risking life and limb in the process. History may be kind to Columbus, labelling him a pioneer explorer. But only those in the know understand that he was actually running afar from in-laws. His despairing travel lead him serendipitously to America, which continues to be the best place to escape if you are harassed by in-laws. That is perhaps why half the Tambaram population has permanently emigrated there. But in-laws, hardy as they are, are following there too. Perhaps then that is why half the Tambaram population is now wanting to comeback to India. Between the two, they are keeping the entire tourism and travel industry floating and flying.

        But now even those who don't have to face the wrath of in-laws are upping and going with bag, baggage and bagatelles. Where to? It could be Singapore or Singampunari, Palladam or Paris, Kabul or Kallupatti. The place doesn't matter at all. But go you have to. And, heaven forbid, If you are staying put, you will be seen as someone who has not, er, arrived. At this rate, even the cuckoo in the clock will soon start flying out on a migratory summer trip.

        Friends and acquaintances, when you run into them, ask without any preparatory preamble 'where are you going?' Only those slow on the uptake artlessly reply 'to Mogappair or Mylapore'. Those clued in on the ways of the modern world, will, however, with alacrity drop the name of some far off destination. It could be outer Mongolia or inner Somalia or even Central jail. But no one would actually listen. All they want to ascertain is that you are indeed going. And even those who are going don't know where they are setting out to. A friend had a early vacation, and upon return, when asked 'were you in Kodai for the holidays', he shrugged the shoulders and casually replied, 'I don't know, my wife got the tickets.'

        But not all tourists are so absent-minded. Some of them in fact remember all the minute details ranging from where they sneezed and what they ate for breakfast on their second day of trip, and make it a point to bore you to death by telling them.

        Last year, a friend who had been to a reserve forest for a trendy vacation, came back with bagload of stories. He naturally regaled the gang with all the details and one of us asked him if he had encountered a tiger during his trip.

        'Yes, I came across a tiger this close,' he said, extending his thumb and index finger to emphasise the nearness.

        What did you do? a friend asked, getting to the edge of the seat in excitement.

        'What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came towards me. And kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast'.

        What did you do finally, another friend asked with his heart almost thumping.

        'Well, then I focussed the binocular to the trees where a chimp was hiding.'

        The guides you encounter on trips are even worse. Once in Kerala, I ran into one who was so garrulous that the FM radio hosts in comparison would seem laconic like a Mani Ratnam film hero. 'This building is five hundred and four years old,' he said excitedly pointing to the Mattancherry palace.

        Impressed that he had all the relevant information even down to the minutest detail, I was still curious and wanted to know how he could be so accurate with his dates. 'Easy', the guide replied, 'the archaeologists said the palace was 500 years old, and that was four years ago.'

        They say that when you travel, your horizon widens and your mind opens to new and new things. And the thing about travel is that it makes you understand the value of what you have in your regular life. Sometimes, when you come back from a really tough journey, you feel like even kissing the doormat in desperate happiness.

        So this summer go out, travel far and wide. Upon return, perhaps even this column may look acceptable.