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CRANK'S CORNER

        There are some who tend to over prepare. Like carrying scuba-diving equipment while travelling on a jet flight. What if the plane falls into a sea, would be their response if you ask them the simple question why. Or they would pack their baggage with a fire extinguisher too on a trip to the Swiss Alps. You never know, would be their general response.

        And they are the ones who are already preparing for the hot dry summer that is possibly ahead of us. Some of them must have already got ready the pots and pans to fill the last drop from the recalcitrant tap. This entire article is dedicated to help those ultra safe men who are still rationing the water they saved for the summer of 1997.

        What follows will also save me from the usual criticism that this column is just desperate drivel in a useless attempt to sound funny. So here I present the 'big ideas' to help you tide over this summer (or for that matter any summer) even though you may still be wearing the monkey cap, finding the early morning nip too much to handle.

        We start off with an amazing new technique (I have applied for a patent, by the way, before that slimy Gates fellow latches on to my concept) to tide over the inevitable water crisis that is to follow.

        Tear harvesting

        Tears, as anyone who has even a fleeting knowledge of elementary science will tell you, never go dry. The ingenuity of God is such that He keeps giving opportunity for tears to keep welling. Tsunami. Earthquakes. Fires. You name it, He gives it.

        The amazing human ingenuity is no slouch either. It also keeps coming up with something that will always keep the eyes moist. Television serials are a very good example of that. The artistes in it are always in a lachrymose mode. Those watching them are also forever in the same mood ? for whatever reason.

        Serials are on the telly non-stop (except on auspicious days or national holidays when films and patti mandrams double up for serials). But the tears don't stop. The simple inference then is everyone of us is weeping 24X7.

        So tears are always running down our cheeks from the overworked visual glands. Now, if only we manage to pool in these tears, and harvest it, we may no longer need to look up heavenwards in anticipation of the ever-truant monsoon. If anything, we may have a surfeit of the liquid that we may have to pass it on to a neighbouring State (preferably Karnataka) or even to Kerala, even though we may no longer be on talking terms with them..

        The only blip may be the fact that harvested tears may be slightly salty and there may be a real chance of a tsunami strike —especially on days when the day's episode happens to feature earth-shattering events like the hero having a full meal (normally, a single episode is tightly packed with the nerve-tingling excitement of the heroine having a cup of coffee or the breathtaking action of the bald comedian combing his hair or, better still, the vamp sinisterly polishing her nails).

        Tanker tips

        Every one by now knows that when Yamaraja decided to go in for a new vahanam to replace his old buffalo, he readily plumped for the water tankers of Chennai. His logic was very simple. It does His job better than He Himself could. In fact, it has been doing such a thorough job of it, that Yama may be in serious risk of getting the VRS.

        Anyway, it is a fallacy to think water tankers to be a mere surrogate Yama. They impressively come handy for other uses — like making the city streets look like a scene from the Great Deluge. In fact, one school of thought has it that the city streets are flooded with more water when the tankers are plying than even during the peak and the most profitable of monsoon periods.

        So if the Corporation stops these vehicles on the city roads, there may be more water to tide over not this summer alone, but the next one too. Of course, Yama will complain. But last seen, He was seen cosying up to Bush to unleash terror on hell knows where.

        Crowing effort

        The city's streets are full of, pot holes you will say. But no, they are equally filled with stones. What do you do with these handy rocks in a place which abounds with a lot of out-of-work crows? Well, if you have gone anywhere near a kindergarten school, you will know what to do. Just get these crows to put the stones in wells where the water level is almost touching the other side of the globe (but if a particular well leads up to the White House on the other side of the earth, then even the most enterprising of crows can do nothing as the man who heads it has a head drier than anything seen in sub-Sahara).

        I have no doubt on the efficacy of these measures. They are not radical or out of the world. They are just born out of sheer common sense. I am sure that if we put this to use, we will certainly give ourselves so much water that it can last for all the songs of two Manirathnam films. Next week, watch out for some original and ingenious ideas to help you tide over, er, floods.