AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

CRANK'S CORNER

        No matter which field they are in, all the businesses have one major complaint: Quality talent is hard to come by. Even the software industry, where it seems the main work of those employed is to count the money they earn every month and then wait for the announcement of the next hike, is scoughing about falling skill levels. So that begs the question what is scoughing. Sorry, that begs the question where has all the talent gone. Surely not abroad as most foreigners are moaning (which is essentially the meaning of scoughing) that their jobs have all gone to India through the call centre route. And the call centre companies are forever complaining that the routes to their offices are so bad that no driver lasts more than five months.

        On the other hand, wherever you go you constantly hear people saying today's youth are smarter and more savvy than the previous generations. So what does it prove? The previous ones were dumbos. For example, they might have invented cricket and expert commentary, But they never had the grand foresight to invent Mandira Bedi as an expert.

        No, just kidding. The point is that there is a lot of ability and talent today but perhaps it is not in the areas where the companies want them. So what are these big-ticket companies looking for? If you had been been seriously pondering this question, you will not be reading this. But since you are reading this we might as well not take you seriously and yet provide you the answers. Just remember that if you follow what is to follow you will be the first person ever to do so. In other words, the risk is entirely yours.

        This is for you all guys who want to get into any one of mushrooming BPOs. Many of you maybe under the impression that good communication skills and an ability to coolly handle irate customers is the prerequisite for call centre work. Sorry guys, wrong number. Who is bothered about how the vowels roll off your tongue when actually what you need to find is how your tongue rolls on sandwiches and pizzas that the company cafeteria thoughtfully provides at one o' clock in the night. If you can survive these cardboard-thick eats at a time when your digestive track is prepared to handle only outward-bound traffic then you can survive the rigours of this job. Most youth don't, and ergo the high attritional rate in the industry. So the thing is not to work on how you sound on the telephone, but just ensure that it is not the extension telephone provided near the commode. The message is loud and clear: Keep your stomach quiet. And, by the way, hot gassers can stay at home.

        What do information technology companies look for in prospective employees? An ability to be quick on the uptake? Actually, most of these men wouldn't know what is to be quick on the uptake. Neither do I. So we will pass that one. A talent to think on your feet, perhaps? But it depends on what size your feet are and whether you are wearing shoes at the time of thinking or not.

        No, as usual I am trying to be funny. The problem of software firms is that they can't find enough folks to attend their project meetings, which, to give a rough illustration, if Rip Van Winkle had attended one, then we would still be trying to wake him up. Many talented software programmers and techno wizards have eventually ended as unsalvageable wrecks simply because they had been part of an inexhaustible number of project meetings. The sackload of salary that software pros get is actually a bribe to attend these meetings. But why do they have these meetings? What purpose do they serve? Like the Governor's post, nobody knows why it is there. The meetings are perhaps around ever since two guys with a couple of computers came together, started a company and began discussing what to have for lunch. This earnest desire to discuss has started an inviolable tradition. Just to check, call any IT specialist at random in his office, the only reply you will ever get is: He is out at a meeting. You will get this answer even after he is dead. Even the IT company security personnel are trained to attend meetings. The meetings are adjourned only for the folks to collect their salaries and gather around to discuss what to discuss at the next meeting, which itself has been called to discuss the outcome of the thing discussed at this meeting.

        If anyone can survive this minefield of meetings then he is ready for World War III. No, I am not going to say that I am kidding.

        Anyway, the real talent to have to be employed by software companies is to have your ears plugged with cotton and then try to stay awake. Most people drop out because they can't find quality cotton.

        Okay enough of call centre and IT jobs, what about other professions? Now the question to ask really is: Are there jobs elsewhere that people are interested in?