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CRANK'S CORNER

        The funny thing about English is that it is, well, so funny that it never ceases to make fun of you. Which other language will have a word likepneumono-ultra micro scopicsilico-volcanoconiosis with none knowing why it came about? This 45-letter goods-train of a word was invented to prove that it wasn't a word at all. I am not making this up: It was originally intended as a hoax, but later ended up to mean a lung disease. It is easy to presume that those who got the lung disease had merely tried to pronounce it. Doctors also warn that if you try too hard you may even end up with an attack of double pneumonia.

        Or take the word floccinaucinihilipilification. Nobody knows how to use it and so it has been lying in the dictionary gathering moss and spiders having a great time around it. Just, by the way, what does this word floccinaucinihilipilifica-tion mean? Well, it roughly amounts to nothing or the act of estimating something as worthless? Well, then why waste 29 letters for nothing? They could could have put those perfectly harmless vowels and consonants to better use. So floccinaucinihili-pilification is a floccinau-cinihilipilification (this is the first time in the entire history of the language that this word has been used without the context being contrived. So claps are in order).

        It is not just these recondite and mouth-fillers. Other words, which we were told don't exist now find a snug place in prestigious dictionaries. I remember writing long punishment pieces for bringing in words like 'preponement', 'upliftment' into my school work. Now I have been retrospectively vindicated. But how do I retrospectively undo the damage of the punishment? So to save the coming generation from the ignominy of facing some stupid penalty from a stern teacher, I have cobbled together a series of words and descriptions that may not exist today but surely wait to be ushered into the portals of English language.

        Remember folks you read them here first, and last!

        Assam: Mindlessly aping what the Americans do. Etymology: As in As Sam. Used as a verb: He assamed his cap. Meaning: Wore it backside front so that all the sunlight fell on the face while the neck remained cool. See also: Foolishness (American spelling: Any which way you want it as no one except the spellchecker bothers about the spelling)

        Autrocity: What the autorickshaw men commit in the city by fleecing hapless men and women whose sole fault (and fate) is to travel in those godammned vehicles.

        Balderdish: If you think this is something which a hair-less cook makes then you are wrong. It is what your wife makes when she is in a foul mood (which is usually or whenever you are in the house).

        Cafediaria: Bowels go into an overdrive after over-consumption of coffee at the office just because it is free (See also Inteaxification).

        Deerasamy: The one who runs faster than a deer after watching Veerasamy, the film, that is, and not the Minister.

        Gaptain: No, this is not the pronunciation of what Vijayakanth's fans call him. This is the stained space between a cricket team's skipper and its coach. Usually huge as was in the case of Ganguly and Chappell.

        Grossword: Rank expletives that convey the idea of the moment without ever having a context of its own. The meanings are many and so are the occasions to use them. In short, can fit in any crossword.

        Inteaxication: Feeling of giddiness after partaking of too much tea in the office. In your house, if your mother-in-law is making it, one cup is enough to make you feel inteaxicated. (See also Cafediaria)

        Kidney Sell-don: The kingpin of kidney racket and a best-seller.

        Loogle: Modern-day gizmo geeks carry their laptops to the loo just as they did newspapers long ago. Usually they flush the 'history' after trawling the net. This act is called loogling. Also see: Loogle Flushtop.

        Manmohan Meekins: Not to be construed as a sister company of Mohan Meakins. That was about spirit. This is about the lack of it. Manmohan Meekins is the sign outside the PMO when the PM is in O. Antonym: Manmohan Meekout.

        Poll Vault: The sudden influx of money into one's vault after polling.

        Red Fever: Caused by a virus more virulent than that which causes yellow fever. Usually it breaks out after Leftists make their speeches especially explaining their economic policies. Symptoms are extreme giddiness and puking. Sometimes felt even when Leftists are around and not speaking.

        Roman Effect: The absolute lack of ability to smile due to over exposure to Sonia Gandhi, the most well-known Roman who selflessly renounced the ability to smile after listening to an inner voice (which spoke in italicised Italian accent) for the sake of her motherland (whatever that is).

        Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who thinks it all to be absolute trash. Eg: The piece in your hand.

        Yell 'o Towel: The ranting explanations that those wearing the yellow towel come up from time to time. See also: Sarchasm

        Zzzz: The sound that arises from you while reading this. In some cases it can be a coma.