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CRANK'S CORNER

        I don't understand most things in life. Those who have been unfortunate enough to follow my writing here will nod their heads vigorously in agreement . If you are going to tabulate as a column the things I know and those I don't, then the two columns would resemble a picture portrait of Amitabh and Jaya Bachchan. I need not tell you which column is Amitabh and which isn't.

        I can't figure out even the most basic of things about my own self. For instance, I don't know where the hell are the islets of Langerhans and what they are supposed to do.

        I don't know the purpose of electrons and protons inside an atom (if the atoms themselves are so infinitesimal why bother with what they are made of). It is not just physics. Chemistry is worse. I know both oxygen and hydrogen are gases. But how they become water when combined is beyond me. Don't ask me anything about history and geography. The Battles of Panipat are beyond me and I don't know in which part of India that Panipat is.

        Technology-wise too I am no better. Much as I love gizmos, I have hardly come to use most of the features in my mobile. How do the sound waves I generate unerringly reach the person whom I called in Mumbai? If this is possible, and if the depths of oceans can be measured and the speed of sound surpassed, why are we still not able to find a real cure for common cold.

        I guess you get the drift of it: I am dumber than a bottle cap. But I don't want to remain like this, and this is where you come in. Perhaps you can come up with some answers that have been bothering me for long. Mind you these are general questions and observations and don't really pertain to any particular subject.

        So here they go:

        All of you must have endured the torture called algebra (actually Amnesty International should take up this issue. But we will leave it for another day). In algebra, you would have doubtless learnt (a + b)2 and (a -b)2. You must have lost much of your sleep learning them. My question is has any one of you ever had the real opportunity to use (a + b)2 or (a -b)2 in real life? I bet you wouldn't have. So why learn them when you are not going to use them anyway?

        How is that people when they grow old lose hair at all the right places and begin to have them around at the all the inconvenient places—like around the ears?

        Now that we are on this hirsute subject, has any one of you ever seen a barber having a haircut?

        Who cooks in the house of a hotel chef?

        Why is the train which never runs on time punctual only on the day when you have to catch it and you are late?

        Why do wrong number calls ask for a person's name that always sounds funny to us? Why do most of us still bellow out on a long-distance call?

        Most of us lose our handkerchiefs from time to time. Where do these hankies actually end up? And by rough estimates, wouldn't all of them put together form a mound taller than Mount Everest?

        Does T Rajendher dress and talk like he does in films and TV at home too? What is his wife's reaction?

        Does Rajnikanth speak punch dialogues at home?

        Have any of real-life lovers attempted to sing a serious duet like they do in films?

        Why do politicians from Tamilnadu always have a big towel over their shoulders? And why do people always prefer to present them with shawls and similar towels in gaudy colours that no one with normal eyesight would buy?

        Does PMK supremo Dr Ramadoss speak in such chaste Tamil in his household too? If he loses his toothbrush, how does he ask for it in Tamil?

        How long does Kunnakudi Vaidhyanathan take to smear kumkum across his forehead? And by the way, how does he look without those hues?

        You must have seen the TTE on trains get in. But in which station does he get off?

        When you get angry or have a tiff with the wife, you stomp out of the house and come back when suitably cooled. What do Prime Ministers or Presidents do when caught in such situations? Or to be precise, where will they go, and will their security men follow them even then?

        Does anyone ever laugh at any of the jokes that I attempt to make here?

        Actually, I know the answer for the last one.