AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

CRANK'S CORNER

        Civilization has evolved to the level of putting man on the moon (though nobody knows why). Mankind has reached the point of making computers small enough to fit the palm. Science has come to the stage of unscrambling the DNA (and not figuring out what to do after). The point I am labouring about is the world is forever moving forward and finding new and newer horizons of excellence. Yet, for all the advancements made in all spheres of human activity, automobile mechanics continue to be where they started off from. They began their evolutionary climb as being unreliable and inscrutable, and they remain stuck there. Ever since the wheel was invented, it has remained unbalanced as the mechanic is still working on it. It is not without reason that the good book said: Show me a happy man, I will show that he has not yet met an automobile mechanic.

        In many ways, mechanics are like doctors; it is only that the physicians have had to make do with the same model, while the mechanics have been able to work on different types. But no matter what the model is, mechanics have the same approach - the one guaranteed to make the vehicle owner to tear his hair in greasy helplessness.

        You take your perfectly running car to a mechanic and say that the music system is conking off and on. The mechanic will sit patiently as if he is hearing you. But he is not. He understands only auto-mobilese, by which I mean he does not listen to you. And a true mechanic also doesn't start working on the music system straight away. If he does, then he is not a mechanic at all. This is the rule of thumb under which all garages work.

        A true mechanic will take the key from you and perkily drive the car around, come back after what seems years, and declare with finality: 'The suspension is not working and the clutch slips.' You must not wince. You must also not protest that you came to him only to rectify the faulty music system. Mechanics say bad things about the clutch even if you go to them just to ask for directions to a particular address. They say this to the postman who comes to drop the letters. They say this to the ward boy who is wheeling them into the operation theatre. Clutch and mechanics are nature born enemies. Mechanics always complain about clutch, while the clutch malfunctions whenever a mechanic is driving. Mechanics also drive the vehicles with cavalier abandon that would make MTC bus drivers seem safe and sensible like perambulator pushers. Mechanics drive the car under the strong impression that accelerator and brake cannot work at half measures. So they either flatten the accelerator pedal to the floor of the car or brake with a suddenness that will scatter all the vehicles around in a mad scramble.

        To get back to the point that we were at, if you ask what has suspension, or for that matter the clutch, got to the music system, the mechanic will not be impressed. Mechanics operate on the non-negotiable rule that only fools come to them. So your mechanic will say that the faulty suspension is making the car to sag and the wheel bearings are suffering because of that. If it is allowed to continue, you may have to change the entire set of ball bearings and the tyres will wear out very fast. He will also add that the engine is flooding leading to some clogging in the carburetor. If you are lucky, and if your mechanic is kind, he will not say that your car is suffering from leprosy. But you never know.

        After all this, your immediate urge would be to get away from the mechanic's garage, and to hell with the music system. But the moment you take your car away from the mechanic, the same car which till a few minutes ago had been purring along joyfully, would begin to show signs of splutter and spatter. The clutch will indeed slip. And after a few uncomfortable rides, you have to go back to the same mechanic who portended dire things to your vehicle. But this time, he will not attend to the clutch. He will again take the car on a drive and come back and not say anything. He will open the hood of the car and peer enigmatically into the welter of wires, mechanical links and assorted motorised parts. He will tweak a few connections, tap some other parts, and then emerge out of the confusion and wipe his oily fingers with a cloth that seems to have spent a lifetime in a grease well (wiping towels in a mechanic's garage, by law, need to be dirtier than what it is supposed to clean). After this obligatory ritual, the mechanic will pronounce that the entire assembly has to be replaced. No, this does not necessarily mean that elections have to be held again. This simply means that you have to shell out a few thousand rupees for the mechanic to keep the vehicle in his garage and return it when he wishes to, as there is no recorded history of any mechanic returning the vehicle on the day he at first agreed to.

        I want to end this piece with a truly smart alec joke. But I can't. Perhaps, my car's clutch is slipping.